It had to be said. Someone had to say it. The dal has been crying out for help for years.
↓ the evidence ↓
Live readings
Exhibits A through G
Claims to have "added oil." No oil has ever been observed entering the pan. Forensics ongoing.
Buys a bottle of oil, then wipes most of it back out with kitchen roll "so it's not greasy." The bottle is from 2019.
Believes a non-stick pan is a personality, a lifestyle, and a substitute for all fats known to science.
Will divide one roti into "portions." There were two of you. There is now half a roti each and a lecture about waste.
"We can just share a main." It is 8pm. You have not eaten since Tuesday. You are sharing a main.
Orders tap water with the confidence of a man ordering a 2008 Barolo. Sends it back if it's "too cold" (free).
That sheet of foil has seen three Christmases, a birthday, and things it will never speak of.
Try it yourself
Go on. Click the button. Try to give her one (1) tablespoon of cooking oil.
Tablespoons successfully accepted by Anisha:
Witness statements
"I asked for a light coating. I received a rumour."— A chicken thigh
"I've been in this cupboard since the Coalition government. Help."— The olive oil
"She looked me in the eye and said 'the pan's basically seasoned.'"— A confused onion
"Smoke alarm's never gone off. Not once. That's not cooking, that's a hostage situation."— Next-door neighbour
From the kitchen of
Potatoes, spices, and the firm belief that oil is "for special occasions."
Oil used: 0.0 tbsp · serves: a sense of regretA pakora that has been near hot air. Crispy on the outside if you squint and lie to yourself.
Oil used: she showed the bottle to the panThe defining flourish of the dish, removed for budgetary reasons.
Oil used: spiritually onlyIf it can't go in the air fryer, it does not get cooked, and frankly it does not get loved.
Oil used: the air fryer weptFor the doubters
No. The dal asked us to do this. We are simply the messengers.
Lovely theory. She reuses the same chewing gum. Next question.
She has. She said it was "a waste of a domain you paid for," which is the most kanjus possible response and only proves our case.
Yes. Text Bill. There is, allegedly, more.